our last moments all together

 

It’s the end, and it’s the beginning.

I broke again for the second time this week harder than I have in front of anyone on the squad the entire 6 months.

I can’t tell you the memories and the feelings it brought up to be saying bye at an airport again. 

 

I was sent home due to covid away from my old squad because of pandemic, 8 months early. And these years since college have been full of so many goodbyes, since high school so many unexpected plane rides, and I could only do it with Him by my side.

 

It hurts so badly to love and then to not have them by my side anymore – never have I journeyed with so many so closely and given my heart on a platter to them – I love them deeper than words, and I’ve gotten to see them transform. 

 

Oh God, how beautiful. 

 

Many of the ones that I poured out to and fought for their walks with the Lord and identities surrounded me in my time of need. It was like all the love that was in me, all the times I sat with each one of them in their tears, now in my tears was returned back.

 

They stayed next to me and ministered to me in a similar way to how I got to with them. They prayed over me, said that I’m a part of their testimony and who they are now and how they persevered through and received comfort and peace. I hugged each one, many through their own breaking, and I could feel in each that I mattered deeply to them.

It was the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced. And I earned none of it; God lavished His Grace on me in a way I never deserved. He gave me love I didn’t have a glimpse of without Him. He chose to work through me, because He desires partnership. Really He did it all. More of Him, less of me. 

 

And there’s this bond in Christ, unbreakable that is ours for eternity.  

 

In this circle of siblinghood they all just held me, and I told them it’s painful to look at your faces. I’ve never been this heartbroken before. Never. 

 

But there was a sudden release of joy feeling it so deep, and it feels so good to have loved and been loved so deep – it exceeds anything imaginable, and I am grateful Lord – amid really hard goodbyes and constant change – I know God that You are my constant. 

 

Sitting planted at a table with the Lord yesterday I could see words spoken over me coming into fruition. 

That people come to me, a tree rooted in Christ, and receive shelter and shade. And then I search them like looking at an ocean uncovering whats in the deep. And I just watch them as God’s Creation more beautiful and vast than I could ever comprehend. 

 

Oh Father it’s so hard and painful, but it’s so good and better than anything I’ve ever known. More equipped, more loved. 

 

I wouldn’t trade any of the heartbreak from this or the past – for it led me here and that is abundantly worth it. 

 

TEARS OF A LIFE LAID DOWN

 

The Shepherd said in His profound whispering thought as I walked on their airplane to America – you have left everything behind and you will not lose your reward. You have been faithful to Me and sought Me the whole time through even what was really hard and confusing. 

 

And I have an overcoming sense of my Father being proud of me (it’s because I AM He says).

 

I fell asleep in the serenade of three of them last night after having so much extra goofy fun at the airport with them all. It was the most beautiful sound. I fell asleep on one’s hand, and in that moment I knew I was loved. 

 

and in that moment I knew I was loved,

and in this moment I know I am LOVED.

 

The Holy Spirit told me I will give you the words and exactly what you need. 

 

I can trust Him. Whatever may come, He is a Faithful Father, and He will not leave me behind. Or leave me dry. And I get to follow Him to the ends of the Earth and see lives changed, even in the simple moments. 

 

Hannah you were meant to live this life. 

Fear not.

 

FOR I AM WITH YOU

 

 

to Him be all the glory

Know that He is has this exceedingly abundant love for you to lavish on you (Ephesians 1)

Thank you for reading and for all your support <3