Okay I am ready

I have avoided it: recounting the 10 days before quarantine where our lives and the world was flipped upside down. As I do it, I am beginning to mourn the loss of the greatest adventure and fellowship.

Without my journaling and photos, I wouldn’t have been able to recall it. It’s a surreal blur to me.

I counted 56 hours travel time (bus, car, plane) in those 10 days, makes sense why I slept 16 hours straight the night I got home.

Brief memories run through my mind of devastating news, of wild faith, and of a resilient many still experiencing the wonders of the world and culture.

It was 10 days in transport, where God took me from my lowest time on the Race on my birthday to joy, purpose, freedom, and peace when it made no sense. So here it goes…

*italisized = journal entries

A summary of those 10 crazy days:

• March 10 - My birthday, beach, house of prayer, breakdown, reconciliation
• March 11 – 15 hour bus ride to Bangkok, new joy and revelation
• March 12 – 8 hour bus ride from Bangkok to Chiang Mai, YYAM house
• March 13 – Inspiring Orientation in Chiang Mai, anxiety and rest
• March 14 – drive 2.5 hours to our exciting ministry placement in Theon with some fun Thai people!
• March 15 – The heartbreaking email, unexpected bye to sweetest, humble church that prayed for us, 2.5 hours back to Chiang Mai, night market
• March 16 - Our unexpected last day all together with elephants
• March 17 - 1 ½ hour flight to Bangkok, 8 hour flight to Doha, Qatar
• March 18 - 8 hour layover in Doha, 14 ½ hour flight to D.C.
• March 19 - Spent the night at the D.C. airport, 4 hour flight to Denver

Much of this is to personally process and remember the incredible places physically and mentally God took me, so much gained through this unexpected time.

So, ya, another super long post. Please at least read March 14 and 15. Much love to you during this season <3

March 10 - My birthday, beach, house of prayer, breakdown, reconciliation

I wrote to you in vulnerability at the first hour of my 22^nd birthday, but so much happened the rest of that day.

Most of my birthdays I struggle with wondering if people will honor and love me like I desire. Waking up that morning, it left a door open to the enemy to whisper the same lies he had been trying to since training camp.

We were at mini-debrief (transition time between Malaysia and Thailand) staying in Penang, Malaysia with all 5 teams/30 people. I had to make it to the beach on my birthday since I had the opportunity.

30 minutes away, two of my best friends on the squad and I took a Grab (Asia’s Uber) to Batu Ferringhi beach.

 This 22nd year Lord May I be freed of shame and walk humbly with my God loving others well. Amen.

Good grab drive conversation. Evangelism is my place

It’s not that they know my name or that I am praised, but that they know His and praise Him 

Birds have been a symbol for me for the entire race, and, Morgan the day before, got an image of a bird resembling freedom for me:

I’m sinful and I’m not seeking your voice like I could. Yet thank you for celebrating my 22nd birthday with me on a beach in Asia, letting me be a free missionary at this age. I pray I truly would be free like a bird

Yet they do honor me and pray over me on the beach and give me letters, cus they love me. 

Turns out Stephanie was making a painting for me on the beach that 14 of my squad mates would later write a note to me on. 

 Next, I went with John and Austin to the Penang House Of Prayer for a couple hours. Every Tuesday, local and international people gather for 7 hours while fasting and doing many forms of prayer.

Three of our teams worked with this house of prayer for their placement in Malaysia. They explained how incredible it was learning that intercession in prayer legitimately changes things and is as important as anything you could do for the Kingdom to come.

Sitting at Penhop in a place of airy peace. These Asians seek the living God and open the same book I do and yearn for Him, and I want to know them. This year may I make so many beautiful connections with locals. Help me to be open to whatever you have for me. Set a fire in my soul.

I pray you bless this place, anoint this place with grace and power to save many lives and to minister unto you.

And so in basically the most peaceful space I had ever been in, the most beautiful, pure voices sang. Each, in quiet, sought the living God in a building nestled by the turquoise seas of Penang, Malaysia.

God says give yourself a big hug and sweetly go forward from a place of rest like ashes said. 

She sings, “I am the living water, come drink.” I forget that his water runs through me, and that’s my prophecy. I have to draw from his water and drink or I’ll be empty and unable to do anything or know who I am. He has to be the source. He has to be the source 

I can’t stop thinking about reading my past blogs

Remember my goodness

The truth I need now I believed long ago in childlike faith

I spent much of my time at Penhop looking at past blogs. As I did, lyrics were song like “Oh, Lord I have so many memories” and one of my favorites right now “lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father.” 

As I remembered, I had both gratitude for the ways God exceeded my expectations and disappointment that I forgot to hold on to all of it. Every one of the truths the Lord led me to write in those blogs now holds so much more weight, here are some of them…   

• The reality is 40% of all people groups are statistically likely to never hear the Gospel – wow! I served, shared, and reached people in these regions where hearing the Gospel is rare
• Onto this journal will wet tears fall from those that are lost and from my own wandering. Onto this journal I will record the fires sparked by God in human souls across 11 distinct cultures. – boy did I wander and see fires sparked by God in both believers and nonbelievers in at least 3 distinct cultures
• God becomes my only comfort. My race literally has begun; what I looked onto for two years, it is here. I am doing something that requires He shows up. He has to go before me. – It surely wasn’t comfortable, and I had to turn to God. Just think back to the insane encounters I had with his Spirit; He really did show up
• She says I want to encourage you guys to not compare yourselves to each other, but know that you are so loved and needed. You guys are taking your time to serve a country that many people don't even think about. You may not reap the harvest, but every part you play matters. – Wow, the previously Muslim Indonesian, who spoke this over us the first day on the field, was so right. I should have held onto those truths a little tighter. 

We left from Penhop to go to a team meeting with our squad leaders.

It was a very difficult but needed meeting where we exposed the ways the enemy was working to sew division and lies in each one of us that month. I was more emotional than I had been in front of my team, largely because it was my birthday, and we were dealing with rough things even though we had the best of intentions. 

I went off alone for a while.

This was the moment where I decided to not let the enemy win by isolating myself tonight; I am going to show up to our last Worship night of mini-debrief and show up to the community God has placed me in. Crazy that I just realized that morning I wrote:

Maybe it’s not that I pray that He shows up tonight but that I show up tonight. I’m the only variable, like Isabel was implying last night (wrestler with God) 

I did show up, and boy am I happy I did.

Endless moments of conviction for my own sin, reconciliation between people of all teams, and prevailing love came out of that night. Like my squad leader saying I see a warm fire coming off you, a sweet presence, and a pure heart. I also was able to be a defender and suggest that the Race does more to celebrate all parts of the body even the ones less obvious.

I hugged my teammates in tears and familial love; I let them love me and pray over me where there had been a barrier in me before. God gave redemption that night for all the teams. Our team was ready to go into Thailand with unity and refined power…

Side note:

I feel conviction, to tell you reader, to let those around you love you. Receive it. For you are a beloved child of the Father in Heaven. He wants nothing more than for you to know how secure His love is for you and for you to experience love like that in fellowship with the people around you.

March 11 – 15 hour bus ride to Bangkok, new joy and revelation

 All 5 teams spent the night on a bus with two floors. We sat on the upper floor. The bus was pretty nice with chairs that leaned back and a bathroom. Lots of time to reflect and talk… 

Someone spoke gold over me and the first line on my journal is all that is gold does not glitter. Just because I have not always glittered on the race community doesn’t mean I’m not absolute gold.  

We made a couple stops to get additional food on top of the snacks we packed. Across Asia, people open mini food stands/shops/businesses. I felt an extra calling that day to these people. 

I want to tell them about Jesus. In love, I talked to a couple of them. That’s what is my calling I have to do it from a place of rest in the Lord. But I want to touch so many lives, tell so many random international souls that I’m graced to encounter and give them an encounter with the Presence of Jesus Christ  

Back on the bus 

Captivate my thoughts, put a knife to comparison and thinking about myself in relation to others 

The days leading to debrief I watched a sermon online about the anointment of joy and then my squad mate Annie killed it giving a sermon about joy at our Indian Malay church we served at.

It was the beginning of the turning point where God would bring me from a hard head space to freedom, joy, peace, and purpose that I now feel even as I’m home in Colorado.

I’m in Thailand how cool! I’m joyful, give me eyes to see and a willing Spirit to follow you and fish for ppl, win souls  

I listened to a podcast:

Why doesn’t God make himself more clear, and Jesus not straight up say he is Messiah? Why does God veil himself? Because love is the highest value. And love demands freedom and choice. If God would reveal himself to you, He would overwhelm your sense freedom. He goes around doing the things only God could do and let’s you draw your conclusions  

You don’t need to live in fear, nothing can hold back the advance of God’s Kingdom 

I laughed so hard and goofed around with Steph and Josiah. 

 I look out at the green hills and red fiery beautiful flowers. Nothing pleases me more than nature, I’m home in nature - to escape and go there and reflect

After hours of quiet, Caroline took out a microphone, Aaron DJs, and the C-squad dance party began. 

We sing country roads and I am loud in this group, not caring if they see me, thanks Lord

But I see that you are bringing me back to myself, in a state of mind that can bless others and have a sound mind 

After, people started to fall asleep, but I was wide awake.

In listening prayer for the longest time, Psalm 8 has been popping into my head. I was annoyed, because I thought I got the point. He highlighted though, as I read it quoted in Corinthians, that Creator of all the wonderous creation crowns me with honor and glory and that all is under Jesus' feet. I wrote it out in my journal to proclaim it. Psalm 8 later spoke to me that even covid-19 has been placed under Jesus' and man's feet. 

Sorry for letting thoughts move me for agreeing with the enemy. Forgive me Father. I am your precious daughter

Finally, I asked God about this coming month in Thailand, and I felt He is calling me to Rest.

March 12 – 8 hour bus ride from Bangkok to Chiang Mai, YYAM house 

We arrived in Chiang Mai to receive orientation from YYAM before heading to our ministry placement. We arrived at this nice house in this nice Thai neighborhood with much of the comforts we missed so badly from home. A South African woman named Sheila greeted each of us with a welcoming hug.  

March 13 – Inspiring Orientation in Chiang Mai, anxiety and rest 

YYAM has staff that gives inspiration and cultural training before beginning ministry.

We met a South African father and son that spent 10 years together preaching the Gospel to all nations, two of the years spent together in a tent.

They have endless stories and fire for God. It left me on fire. They straight up have been imprisoned in the Middle East for sharing their faith and led out by sharing the Gospel with an official.

The father shared his testimony of coming to the Lord in his 20s after having numerous assault charges and being into drugs and alcohol.

Once he experienced Christ, he couldn’t help but share him to everyone. He won’t let an elevator ride go by without sharing, what if it’s this person’s one chance to hear?

God spoke to the son at 8 that he would be a missionary and also told him that he would get married at 31; sure enough it happened. 

The father’s advice to us:

do not fear that you don’t have enough knowledge, you have enough to share the Gospel, the Holy Spirit will give you the words 

Fear makes it hard to hear from God. Give the Gospel, and you will be filled. We are nothing special. We don’t have a special anointing. We just are available.  

The son gave us a run down on fascinating Thai culture that I want to write about later. 

Later I talked to Sheila about my passions and future. She told me He didn’t place those giftings within you without reason, there’s always a way to use all those things. 

We had the rest of the day to ourselves.

Since the day before God spoke Rest in Me over this month (little did I know I'd be quarantined), while everyone else went to explore Chiang Mai, I stayed back at our YYAM house. T