to know You

I stayed up until 2am talking to myself in the mirror and occasionally to God for 2 hours. 

We had just finished hours of American Idol where humans inspired me. The show tried to show the world who they are and make us love them, make our hearts be moved by them. As I watched I felt this tug as I often have in recent years to go in my room and pour out prayer and petition and commune to and with God on my knees. Instead I got stopped by myself in the mirror cus I also got a tug to feel beautiful. I ended up sharing my testimony in 3rd person and occasionally first. 

I have shared my testimony in full before and even in front of like 30 people but I never got emotional. 

Somehow with me staring back at me I really did. 

I couldn’t stop and it was like the last year of my life deserved 50% of my time with all the incredible God stories. Endless throughout my entire life God redeeming and encountering and shifting everything from self doubt and feeling unloved empty and being selfish and lazy and broken to, well, broken in a different way that comes with being free and so alive and full and purposeful and with love and passion and more creativity and the Spirit of God pouring out of me. I still fall short all the time but that’s the point, it’s not me but Christ living in me(Galatians 2) that is glory. God tells me tonight I’m glory. 

I spoke lies i believe about myself out loud, and they no longer hold that grip.

I haven’t even experienced trauma, have lived such a blessed life, and have been raised in the most loving family imaginable, yet the enemy is the father of lies (John 8:44). Our battle isn’t against flesh and blood, but legitimate evil that is currently trying to make every human feel unloved, unworthy, empty, and most importantly keep us away from the Lord (Ephesians 6:12). It is the human condition that we all fall short and don’t love like we could, but Christ made a way.

That why we have to expose his lies as what they are and proclaim the truth we are as God’s beloved sons and daughters. The enemy fights hard, but God won the battle. God turns everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). 

It’s a pretty painful season of life for me and the whole world. 

But if my life is anything, it is a story of God exceeding himself, pouring His Spirit without limits (John 3). 

It is a story of things not going at all how I wanted them to or how I envisioned. 

But somehow He makes everything beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3), and I believe in a God more than ever who is currently making everything right largely through using people with whom he stores His Presence.

 I look back at my life and endless Grace and experiences and heart change and lessons from so many and mostly the Bible and miraculous/supernatural testimonies and meeting me in pain that only Jesus Christ is the explanation for, and I have no choice but to believe. to be on fire. to preach the Gospel even when it’s incredibly hard and I’m tempted to not give it all to follow.  

I don’t want to listen to lies anymore that I’m not good enough or chosen for so much, that I’m not loved, that I don’t belong somewhere, that I’m not amazing just as I am. I choose to let conviction have its way to legitimate change in me. But no longer do I sway from my unique calling and identity as an image bearer of God. 

God did not invade my life in power endlessly for nothing. Period. 

I don’t know what is in front of me. But I know the same God who did all that and led me here, will continue to do so in everything forever. 

I know I’m a wonderful messenger with pools of living water as eyes for outcasted and hurting souls to look into, to coat them with gold just as I myself am valuable gold refined by the fire, burned beautiful. Faithful servant that shines light in dark places. And much more. 

Yet it don’t matter that the world knows that or knows me, they just need to know You, Love Himself. I know You better than I know anyone, better than I even know myself. The future is entirely uncertain, but that’s all I want to do for the rest of my life