This is hard, enneagram type 8, God is Kind

Let me be straight with you world. This isn’t easy; I’m not on some light-hearted vacation finding myself.

Although my month in Indonesia was one of the best months of my life and although all the wonderful events, moments, and revelations in my blog are true, let me tell you, this is hard. 

 

When the enemy attacks your worth and when you don’t feel as loved and valued as you once did and when you don’t feel like you belong and you’re stripped of all your comforts stepping into the unknown land of a world that is dying

 

He never said it would be easy; He actually said it would be hard. Paul himself was called by his community unimpressive, that his speaking amounts to nothing (2 Cor 10). 

 

Jesus was slapped in the face, brutally nailed to splintered wooden pieces, and abandoned by his best friends at the crucial moment. Talk about innocent people being wrongly imprisoned, imagine Jesus. 

 

“They looked on the one they had pierced” (John 19).

 

This magnificent POWER, that I ranted about in my blog, isn’t one that flows through me from my worth and success, but one that flows directly out of my weakness and brokenness. Jesus, having all wealth, became poor and humble for me and you (2 Cor 8).

 

I entrust Him alone to hold my hand and lead me.

 

“God chose the weak things of the world…God chose the lowly things…For I resolved you to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified…so that your faith may not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power” (1 Cor 2).

 

He is the one who looks the unseen, untouched, beaten up, lost, hurt, isolated, broken, and hated of the world in the eye and says Me too, can I now raise you up to glory and redeem your story? 

 

He lets me experience glimpses of those hard places, that I would persevere in faith and learn to depend on Him alone. To find my strength and identity and worth on His voice alone, for only he can judge me (1 Cor 4). 

 

He doesn’t let me stay there though. He calls me to go those that are drowned in hard places. To tell them that the tomb is vacant, the stone that held death has rolled over on its side. To tell you if you simply call on His Name, it is finished. It is already overcome. All things will be made right and you are held in unconditional, perfect love and serenity forever  

 

I wrote this piece in Starbucks after hiding to cry in the bathroom away from my squad mates. I laid my head on Em’s shoulder as I finished typing it on the van ride home with my headphones in.

That day, the enemy attacked me with all sorts of negative thoughts similarly to how he had at training camp.

Thankfully, the Lord led me to read almost all of 1 Corinthians that day; the revelations he gave me in the above written piece came from turning to scripture.

 

That night, we had a holy and joyful goodbye dinner that you will hear about in another blog. But after getting back we decided to worship together outside on the front porch of our house.

I ended up hiding my head as salt water slowly drips off my face onto the table.

Just before, Kenia said that Lord told me to give you a hug to say you are loved and chosen for SUCH A TIME AS THIS….

The week before God had reminded me about Britt’s favorite Bible verse, “you have come to your royal position for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14).

I had read Esther but not felt the impact of it, so during church that week in Malaysia (when I was tired), God was like read Esther even though you don‘t feel like it, and I encountered this such a time as this verse again.

That morning of the enemy’s attack to my mind I tried to fight the lies by proclaiming truth on a page: you are chosen for this, trusted for such a time as this, etc. And of course that night Kenia spoke this over me though she had no idea I had written that phrase in my journal just that morning.

You would think I would take this moment, her hug, and her words with a welcoming, grateful-to-God heart. Instead I was still hurt and did not want to receive her love or receive consolation from anyone.

 

Later I cried in the laundry room, the only place where I could be alone. My team came to check on me. I tried to make them not stay, but Kenzie came and said I’m sitting down.

I told her all the lies, my struggles with the Race culture and Race community, and she listened.

She says it’s good you have the Word, and you are wrestling with God like Jacob does. She prayed for me help her to let us love her.

It’s that exhale of vulnerability and bringing things into the light that I talk about in my last blog, and boy did those words resonate.

I am mourning my college community still, and it’s very hard for me to invest and dive into this new community, to feel like I am seen, and that I shine here too.

 

I also have been facing myself, the ways I am unique, and my true enneagram type #8. Stubborn, independent, going against the grain, passionate – I don’t want others to help me.

But the Lord placed them into my life to help me, and I am just beginning to see it….

 

Mini-debrief: Penang, Malaysia

And perhaps, as I look out at an epic Asian view, what I wanted wasn’t what God wanted for me after all. I had said I came for the nations. Still the case, but little did I know that God wanted my heart and wanted these people, that I have resisted so much, to show me Him (to capture my heart like was prophesied over me the week I decided to do the race). For with them and in Him, I become more and more a fuller version of who I’m intended to be. I become more humble and more powerful as I’m refined by the fire.

 

Arriving at our mini-debrief location, I about cried in joy as I closed the bathroom door of our hotel with a regular lock, opened a shower with a door and the ability to change the temperature, and used WiFi to turn on a sermon like I do back home. The simplest comforts I have become so grateful for. 

I come to find out that my room of six was kind enough to randomly draw who would get the two rooms with a door and nice bed. I got drawn to be with Stephanie in a nice room with a door and a bed and an epic view.

I was placed with the person out of 30 people who is from Colorado and makes me feel the most like home, who I can be completely myself with.

She also has been attacked by the enemy in her head just like me, and we got to relate on this and encourage each other in our own peaceful room. I wrote…

 

The Lord just showers His blessing down and extra mercy and sweetness to say I care about your pain…

 

One night, Steph and I stayed up talking about all this. She said this struggle is not about our teammates but a battle against the principalities if darkness (Ephesians 6). 

She happened to have been led to 1 Corinthians this month, like Em and I had as well. 

I discussed how on the beach, the day before, God had me read the exact verse I needed, 1 Cor 12…

“But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be…those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable…so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other…if one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it…Now eagerly desire the greater gifts.”

 

Then I talked about my problem with how I feel, sometimes with the Race, gifts like prophecy are glorified in a way that hides other gifts like service or having the character of Christ. Steph said, that makes me think of that verse…

“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.”

 

I realized it’s literally the chapter right after 1 Cor 12. So, I read 1 Cor 12 out loud, and she read 1 Cor 13. In our mutual pain and our mutual personalities, the Lord blesses us.

 

That wasn’t enough for the Lord though.

He would have Kaitylnn reach out to me the next day who also has had my same struggles. We would relate on many things like writing or being inexperienced but the beauty in our purity. She’s like you are someone who I don’t have to explain myself too; you understand me. 

 

Then, I thought, I’ll just stop by 7/11 for dinner since I don’t have any other plans. But I walk out of my room, and there is my role model on the Race, Hannah, asking to get dinner.

Her humble shining confidence and peaceful presence blesses me as it has all month.

 

I tell Steph before worship the main person I hope to have time with, before mini-debrief is over, is Isabel.

After worship, seeing the body of Christ unite, and praying in tongues on this rooftop over Penang with John, Isabel walks by.

I reached out my hand, and she decided to stay. We talked for an hour or so. She too has felt unseen and unloved. We encouraged each other, valued each other, listened to each other.  

 

She says you know every team needs a challenger after I explain the struggles of my enneagram type.

You made me dig deeper and think. I explained how 8s in growth look like 2s who defend the weak, help others in passion, and yield to others.

 

In that moment, it all comes together. I am stepping into this role. 

 

As you see in the beginning of this blog, God told me that he let me experience that mental space last week so I could empathize with the unloved and unseen of society, hear them, and point them to the Suffering Savior.

It’s good that I challenge parts of the community I have been put into, because I am fighting for truth. Even more so, as an enneagram 8, I am fighting to defend the unseen and unloved and undervalued.

 

Now I sit a couple hours later typing this as I look out at a skyline of city lights, sitting outside. The alone time I’ve longed for. Oh, and it’s officially my 22^nd birthday as of 50 minutes ago. Two of my teammates came out to hug me and say happy birthday already.

Happy Birthday to me from my sweet God who sees me

 

 

Rewind to the two days before 

I woke up the morning after my breakdown freer. I had vulnerable conversations with Em. Then with Angelica, who pursued me like my Father in Heaven does.

She saw me as a diamond with dust around me, falling off, that I could shine so brightly as the diamond I am. She said she learned to not have to defend myself, to celebrate others, to accept being misunderstood.

I described feeling like I took the yielded position this month at times.

As I let others step out in their gifting and didn’t preach or teach as much. She said you did that last night as you served. Then she brought up the verse where God exalts those who humble themselves (Luke 14:11)…funny enough enneagrams 8s have a hard time yielding

 

I later watched this incredible sermon from like my favorite pastor who was a huge reason I came to know the Lord. He said enjoying each other and God is just as essential as fasting and praying before you play your role in the body.

Then he anointed everyone with the oil of joy.

 

That night was our last service at the Indian Church. Let’s just say I can’t even describe how good worship was. Singing “Faith and Wonder” by Upper Room, nothing has ever felt better than releasing the name of Jesus as we did

We took communion.

As I took it, we sang there is power in the name and blood of Jesus.

And I imagined Jesus being dragged on the ground with blood dripping down his face. I thought why is it that I feel so free and so fully myself as I imagine my Savior suffering with closed eyes dragged across the floor? As I eat his flesh

 

The mystery of the Gospel

The God that suffers with us

 

 

PT, our incredible host, translated our sermons that night. He brought such passion and “popped off” as our team would say. Annie’s sermon was about the power of joy. PT did a tribute song to us at the end, fist pumping the night away.

We stayed and took pictures. I enjoyed our last time with the kids, the youth, and the adults that God let me love and connect with this month. What a night.

I woke up the next day, travel day, with such joy.

Going from a poorer non-touristy town to Penang was a nice breathe, walking around vivacious streets with the comforts of home like having lavender ice cream with my friends.

Every intriguing person I passed, God gave me a heart and eyes for. The fire of excitement was lit in me once again to share the love of Jesus and bring His Presence to the nations.

 

That night my team celebrated Em and I’s birthday. 

I felt myself starting to let them be my Kingdom Family.

We watched the movie I suggested: “Into the Wild.”

It’s all about a guy who graduated college and left everything to pursue true happiness. Dying ultimately from pride, his last journaled words were God bless and happiness is only real when it is shared.

The best part was the love and impact he made on every random person he encountered on his adventure. God was like that is you, but unlike him don’t be prideful and think you know it all, but listen and learn from all those beautiful connections placed in front of you this year.

 

The next day I had an awesome beach day with the boys and another one of my favorites, Raquel. We prayed over a deaf guy in our grab (like Uber) car.

The boys and I went to climb some rocks. I wanted to go one climb/challenge further, and my enneagram 8 wouldn’t let them help me.

God used that to say, like the guy in the movie, you need to let others be a part of your journey and your happiness, let go of your pride. Don’t be selfish. Challenge the status quo, go adventure and wonder at the world, but love and listen first.

 

For my birthday tomorrow I’m going to the beach with Steph, Isabel, and possibly Hannah. Then I’m going to spend time with my best friend Jesus in the house of prayer for four hours with my racer community. Then worship, and then maybe see the night life of this city before leaving for Thailand the next day.

 

God is kind