*This is a LONG blog. Make sure to read takeaway #2. Pick and choose from there! Future blogs will be shorter ;)

1. Vulnerability at Debrief
2. The POWER of God
3. Upside Down Kingdom
4. Finding Beauty and Making Opportunity
5. Trying New Things
6. Future Dreams
7. Eternal Moments in Nature
8. Challenging Living Conditions
9. Community and Personal Growth

I had journaled everything every day for ~245 days straight; last week I didn’t write a word.

Journaling has been my escape all my days.

Growing up, it was where I would turn every time my tears fell. It gave me new eyes to make sense out of a world that often doesn’t make sense.

It is one of the main ways I connect with God and hear from Him. It helps me to remember, and to never forget, the mind-blowing moments and conversations God gifts us and teaches us through. 

Why fast from something that gave such life and health to my mind, that was living evidence of the God that answers my prayers in His name?

Last month, sitting in the car with my deep and inspiring Indonesian friend of a different faith, instead of being fully present, I was typing on my phone the epiphanies I was having for fear that I would forget them. 

The Holy Spirit slowly and quietly, as he does, started convicting me. 

Then, my team leader mentioned how our team constantly overthinks and how we should be more moved by momentary compassion.

Offended, as I too often am, I thought “haven’t I been acting out of compassion this whole time?” What she said though stuck with me.

I found that all my experiences were being filtered through my head onto a page rather than into my heart and unto God.

Later, Austin mentioned how excessive journaling became unhealthy for him too. That night, after some debate in my mind and with God, I made the decision to fast for at least a week from it.

It was fricken difficult to break that habit: to not immediately record and reflect on the sort of events that happened that week, unprecedented.

What if these events are to be lost, skewed, corrupted by future events? As I learned in marketing class, as we are introduced to new ideas or experiences, our brain can change our memories to be completely different than our actual experience was.
 

I did not take it all to my heart and to God as I had planned, but I did let the week’s experiences just imprint on me.

I often have thought of how many experiences and moments each soul has. And how every single one of them imprints on us, changes us, and becomes our story.

Going forward, I don’t know if God is calling me to journal all the time or never. I think, like a lot of things in life, it is somewhere in the in between.

What do you need to fast from?

Fast, even from good things, to discover, to find a healthy balance, to fight for your mind and your meaning, to free yourself from unhealthy dependence, to grow in spirituality

What I do know, is I am ready to record the incredible and challenging things that happened this week and what I learned. Because in writing, I feel joy and God’s pleasure.

 1. Vulnerability at Debrief

Before diving into the time since I fasted journaling, I need to discuss debrief.

We spent 5 days in Kuala Lumpur. Our team of 7 joined the other 29 squad mates on our route, our two coaches, and our squad mentor at a cool hostel.

Not going to lie, I was not looking forward to debrief. I have faced lies of worth and belonging as I am in big groups. I also wondered why we were spending so much time with each other, when I feel I came across the world for the locals.

Yet, debrief ended up being a crucial time of transition, learning, and of deepened relationship with our squad and with God.

One night our coaches paved the way for vulnerability 

What are your foundational issues? What are you removing to discover them? What is your vision of your final outcome?

We nakedly shared our greatest struggles: unworthiness, feeling enough, feeling rejected, abandonment, feeling important, feeling desirable, seemingly unanswered prayers, gender roles, trusting people, caring what others think about us, etc.

“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes light” - Ephesians 5:13

I knew I was meant to be one of the people to speak up. As I did, the heaviness did not leave. But if felt as though I was letting out this beautiful slow breath that is only made visible when it is cold enough.  

Why is the warmth of our exhale visible and wonderous to the eye only in cold weather and just for a moment? 

Being vulnerable is sort of like that.

We exhale our shame and struggles into what can seem like a cold and scary world. But the moment we let it out and make it visible, the world can see it too. It is not a shameful thing, but rather a freeing wonderous thing to witness. They see your humility, they see warmth, they relate, and they no longer feel alone. Seconds later, it disappears. The issue is no longer visible to the world, and more importantly, to yourself. It has lost its power

There was one theme that hurt deeper than any of the others: am I trusted? Am I trusted by my team for the work we are doing? Have I earned it, could I sustain it? 

And God spoke over me in love...

It doesn’t matter if they trust you, I do! So much so that I literally placed my Holy Presence inside of you to bring Good News to the whole world

Worship had to have been the best part of debrief though.

The passion, complete dependence, seeking and free souls of my fellow racers in worship shook that entire hostel, could shake that entire city.

During session one night after worship, an aching yearning and stirring from the Spirit lingered inside me.

I asked Fifina what that contracting pressure on my stomach could mean. She said something may need to come out. 

So…I went to the stair steps, the only place where I could be alone, and let my prayer language come out in power. Then, God brought to my mind…

I am sending you as sheep among wolves

Days later, once we were at our placement, Matthew 10 came to mind. Sure enough, the sheep among wolves phrase is in that chapter. What follows that phrase is Jesus commanding us to be shrewd as snakes, innocent as doves, and unafraid. Jesus assures them the Spirit will give them the words they need when they are arrested. 

Like wait God these words weren’t just for the disciples. They are for me, and I should be just as willing as they to give everything for this cause

For the first time in my life, I am restrained and limited in my freedom to speak what I believe due to the countries I am in. Yet God still calls me. For the first time in my life, the letters and Gospels of the New Testament apply exactly to what I am doing. It is hard, and it is heavy. 

It makes sense why God gave me that verse before coming. Our host who we call PT is so shrewd and unafraid; I’ll get to that later…

 2. The POWER of God

Our first night at our placement in Malaysia we went to a special Indian church service located inside a row of shops. Guest pastors from around the country spoke and prayed for revival.

Three sermons in Tamil and countless “Hallelujah” shouts later, my teammates and the church members were in the front.

Before I knew it, the energetic sweaty prayers of these pastors were causing them to cry and some to faint. (to “fall out in the Spirit” or to be “slain by the Spirit”)

Mckenzie had a look of joy, relief, tears, and awe. John was overcome, went up for prayer twice, falling on the ground twice.

Other than a YouTube video I watched from the 60s last semester, I had never seen anything like it. I worried all of this wasn’t of God, so I did not go up for prayer. 

John described it like being struck by lightning. He had no brain activity, only a loud scream “Hallelujah” directed towards the gates of hell.

We rode back in our sweaty van through the bumpy streets of this small-town thinking, well, that is one way to start our time in Malaysia. 

This church is a house of freedom and peace, my whole team could feel it. Even with my questions, I could feel that.

Discussing it more with my teammates, I realized people in the Bible straight up died encountering the presence of God in the past. God is the Creator of all the forces that can lift a rocket into space, that can cause an atomic bomb to explode, that causes supernovas in space.

Not only that, but the darkness and spiritual authorities that realm the world are more powerful than we could ever know. The teams that went to Bali saw evil spirits and possessed people. If the sources of darkness are that powerful, how much more powerful must the source of light be.

And that same power lives inside of me, because Jesus resurrected.

A day or so later we went to a local mall. I wanted to do an adventure for our off-day, but I felt like God was telling me to sit at a coffee shop with Em. 

The Lord knew that I needed to be in the mall with Em to get WiFi and receive texts that would make me leap for joy.   

One of the texts I received was from a friend from another faith I hung out with 1 on 1 three times. She said she wanted to share with me she was baptized and born again that morning!!

She said the Lord worked his way through me in the conversations we had and that she is “so so so happy.” Many have poured into her and took her in during some of the darkest times of her life. I just got to play a small part. 

I wrote in my notes literally days before: “she’s ready” and “give her a heart to surrender Lord, show her specifically your love for her in specific ways even this week and forever.” 

That week, she became my wonderful sister in Christ. My entire Race is worth it for that (and how good it feels to finally write this down).

I decided to skip going to a movie with my team so I could prayerfully answer the exciting texts I received. As I sat in that Malaysian mall on a massage chair, the Lord said…

Believe me for anything

The next day, John, Hannah, and I went on a spontaneous and holy Sabbath day.

We randomly encountered a riverfront after our original plans fell through. We sat along the water with distant mountains communing with each other and God in true rest. 

I read 1 and 2 Timothy…

“People will be…lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – having a form of godliness but denying its power.” 

We fear that the American church can be like this. 

We fail to pray for God to absolutely redeem the suffering we’ve dealt with our whole lives. Walking our daily routine, searching for purpose, yet never stepping out to do the “greater works” Jesus said we would do (John 14). Greater than healing the sick, raising the dead, seeing the unseen, casting out demons? Jesus said we would do that (Matthew 10)! 

If He Created it all, crashing seas and waterfalls, endless space, can He not do all things?

My squad mate, Hannah, a Christian yoga instructor who quit her corporate sales job for this, inspires me to my core.

Growing up, she said she wanted to be a wizard in Harry Potter embarking on a quest to battle darkness. We discussed how that’s exactly what we are doing. 

John prayed over me for what has been at times a hopeless situation. The prayer was a battle, and the prayer was specific and powerful. Believing God for deliverance, believing him for anything. Why have I not persisted in prayer like this?

I am realizing that my prayers over individuals transform the spiritual realm around them. I hadn’t realized it. The Bible says the enemy closes off minds from seeing the light (2 Cor 4:4). With faith, any heart can be softened and the enemy’s hold broken.

Days later I received a text from the friend in my past who was so strong, so adamant against Christianity that I didn’t think it possible for that heart to be opened. My mouth dropped as my friend told me of an encounter with missionaries feeling unconditional love unlike ever before.

Believe him for anything

The church we go to has become the place where I experience the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in ways I didn’t know possible.  

I just stand there in eternity as tongues of fire pour out of my mouth, edifying me and loosening something in the spiritual realm.

Surrounding me are Indian Malay believers that fast for 40 days only water and beautiful 19-year-olds that spend 50 days praying until like 5am every night. 

We prepare sermons and worship. Our teams have been bringing it! Hannah spoke on the armor of God the first night making the whole congregation stand up and act it out. Annie’s voice and spirit pierces the room; a local compared our worship to a Hillsong concert.

One service, I was struggling to let something go in my life, so I sat down to pray. I felt God calling me out of that dwelling place… 

Stand up and worship me with all your mind, body, and soul. And be an encouraging worshiping presence for this church.

Another night He spoke…

You have been asking me to move powerfully across this country. Do you see now that I am already doing so?

Humbled, yes, I do Lord. Thanks for letting me see it. Thanks for letting be a part of all the stories you are writing across the world.

 3. The Upside-Down Kingdom

I can’t give details of a lot of these stories but let me just say I am seeing God’s Kingdom come through my hosts, through my teammates, and in our testimonies.

The Upside-Down Kingdom where the last shall be first

Our host PT is about the best man you’ve ever met. He has a godly, bold presence mixed with the most generous heart and goofy glimpses of personality. He is like Jesus as a lion: safe protection and warmth to his friends, dangerous to evil. 

Also like Jesus, his true ministry is with sinners: to the people in society that no one else wants to deal with.

He brought us to a hookah bar to tell us about it. He is the least legalistic pastor imaginable. People outside the church are his passion; it is giving me goosebumps thinking about it. He is a peacemaker.

He said, I believe in relationship and the winning of souls to Christ. It is easy. Sit with them, listen to their story, understand them

You might receive a letter from me in the future about him. I want you to know his story, and I want his vision to advance. I want us to sew generously into his work. Finances are his main barrier. Malays (who legally must be Muslim) are given preference in this society, putting other people with different ethnicities and faiths at a major disadvantage.

Pray for this to change, for financial provision, for PT’s winning of souls. Pray for 2020 to be a year of breakthrough for this country.

The Upside-Down Kingdom where our pain is turned into power

I’ve heard stories this month of people still suffering from what someone wrongfully did to them years ago. I have seen them forgive when it doesn’t make sense. I have seen freedom from captivity. I’ve seen the Redeemer and the Overcomer flip these stories upside down as they are refined in the fire becoming like gold. Their testimony is being used in power to touch many lives. 

One night in Penang, my friend froze seeing a young girl interact with a man and alcohol in a way that implied human trafficking.

We didn’t realize, so we rushed my friend to get on the bus that had just arrived. It is not like she was going to act in this situation, but it is a reminder to always be interruptible. 

We interceded for this girl. God broke our heart for her. Her pain too will be turned to power in His Kingdom.

The Upside-Down Kingdom where we touch the untouchable

What I love about Jesus is that he looked the unseen, unclean, and untouchables of society in the eye, called them by name, and healed them from the inside out. 

Walking one night, a couple of my squad mates felt called to a man on the streets. Trying to talk to him, they received incredible opposition and hesitation.

Stephanie described how without the tug of the Spirit, they would have got a clue and left this man alone. Yet they persisted and found out that he has an illness and wishes he were dead.

Fifina asks to pray and lay hands on him. As she places her hand on his back, he says HOT!!! and POWER!!! Fifina’s fiery hands and prayer touched him so much that he asked them to come back the next day. 

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