“Standing on the shore of decision,
Looking into the face of adventure
Desire to abandon all I know
…
Adventure in theory is,
Is full of excitement
And bleeds with passion for life
Adventure in reality is full
Of breathless moments, silent nights,
And wounds that leave
Scars of memory on a heart.
Can I go the distance?
Can I give all my mind to get what the messenger is saying?”
–Cageless birds by Melissa Helser
I sit in the airport once again. Alone. Looking into the face of adventure.
After a summer so different than I expected or could have imagined, I want to reflect on all I learned and to declare my commitment to the Creator during this upcoming season.
A week ago, the weight of all that is ahead, is behind, and all the souls around was too much for me to carry. Living the abundant life Jesus came to give is giving all of yourself and forsaking some of your greatest desires for the sake of someOne so much better.
Though I couldn’t imagine a more blessed life, the responsibility of navigating being home for a life-changing summer to what will be my last semester of college in the place and with people I adore to serving the poor in 11 foreign nations for a year will not be easy.
No single person will weave in and out of these places with me nor understand what they are like. No person will tell me how to make sense of things I see. No person will tell me to get up out of bed, reach out to that person, make “good” decisions (true for all of us).
In uncertainty and blessing and boldness, only God goes with me, only God understands, only God to lean on, only God to help me decide, only God to motivate me, only God to really see me, guide me, know me, heal me, and fully love me.
While anything could happen circumstantially, emotionally, or spiritually in this exciting time in my life, I commit to fixing my eyes on Jesus and being led by the Spirit in love each day. No matter the insecurity or doubt or hardship, I hold to that. I need nothing but my Lord.
“Now this eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent” John 17
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I am looking out a plane window at a bird’s eye view of Denver and the mountains to the west.
It feels like I’ve been here for so long with all that has happened, and I cannot even believe I am about to step foot for my last time back on that beautiful campus on the bluff.
There between those skyscrapers I was an intern. It is amazing the vast expanse of land and how small downtown seems from here. When, for me, working there I felt like a small-town girl in a foreign land.
I worked for Wish of a Lifetime which has an awesome company culture. I basically tried to find creative ways to tell and spread our inspiring stories of deserving seniors being granted their greatest wishes.
I am just grasping how much I need to grow in resilience as I work, in taking constructive criticism, not becoming brain dead working 9-5 on a computer, and on passionately and kindly collaborating on a team that is keeping a business afloat. My breaks exploring the streets and cathedrals were a refreshing time with the Lord.
I became just another business professional out of thousands riding the light rail and walking 16th street. I found the disconnect between people on the streets and everyone else striking.
While we toil to impress our boss and prove ourselves adequate, a barefoot man shakes on the ground, a lonely teenage girl holds up a sign asking for any help, a single mother with a kid named Immanuel (God with us) asks for someone to buy them a drink.
My heart broke when I talked to this limping skinny as bones lady and got a seemingly soulless stare back by someone made in the image of God for a purpose.
Yet, this summer I repeatedly saw God’s heart for redemption and the incredible detail and care in which He moves in our lives.
In learning how to hear the Spirit’s whisper, I get to take part in what God is doing. For example, one day God brought my attention to this old lady pacing around walking up to objects and banging her head back and forth. It was confusing and sad.
The next day, walking out of beautiful Union Station, I felt led to take 17th instead of 16th. A block down, is that old lady walking down the same side of the street as me. My heart races as I know I am probably called to talk to her, and instead she talks to me and asks for help.
(Shout out @godsolovedmovement that bridges this disconnect so well)
There in the Rocky Mountains we randomly decided to stop by a hot spring on our way back from Utah. Two people look sketchy to me. My judgment convicted, as this unusually kind group of people starts to show them love and hear their story. The guy was in a terrible accident and only prayer got him through. Clearly on drugs, this group prayed for his hurting back and began to worship.
My mom asks if we can join in the prayer. They describe they are bringing nothing with them this summer and just preaching the Gospel. My mom tells them I’m doing The World Race, and one girl who was leading it all in beautiful love says I went on The World Race!
She gives me advice, prays over me, and tells testimonies of Christ giving site to the blind and showing up as love in worship with Hindus. Was this for me, for her, for my mom’s questions answered, or for all the other people listening in the hot spring? Yes.
There at the southern foothills, I became a part of a new community that I didn’t expect to or know that I needed. Intercessors of the Trinity (IOTT), it is called.
People ask me my denomination. Honestly, I don’t really have one; my allegiance is to Christ and the Bible. Red Rocks Church, nondenominational, is where it all started for me: focus on the mercy and accessibility to Jesus, worship, and what he did on the Cross for everyone no matter your background.
Going to a private Catholic college, I am starting to adopt some of their beliefs and practices as well and have seen many Catholics intimately following and in relationship with Jesus. I even had a dream of Mary this summer, the next day was invited on a retreat centered around her, and later on given a prophecy that she wants to hold me; though I still don’t really believe in her intercession and role the way many Catholics do.
Bridgetown Church, where I go in Portland, has brought me deep into emphasis on fasting, sabbath, prophecy, tongues, and healing all done in love.
IOTT, interestingly, is a Catholic prayer night centered on all those gifts of the Spirit. It was an incredible working of God combining the life-giving aspects I’ve found in all these denominations with a much older demographic than I am used to.
Along with Red Rocks Young Adults this summer, I consistently walked out of IOTT with supernatural peace that I didn’t have walking in. What I learned there is indispensable preparation and practice for being a missionary on The World Race where spiritual gifts are practiced like in the early church.
In that space I received more visions and words and bold prayers of healing than I ever had from people, for people, and for myself from God.
Visions of Jesus looking me in the eye, putting his arm around me, and holding my hand and taking me somewhere. Words of hope, of edifying, of God holding all my problems and working the best for me, of replacing rejection with love, of burning a volcano of courage and faith and shalom in me that won’t die out, of God bringing life to barrenness for someone I prayed for, etc.
One of the most transformative things I learned was praying from the sacred heart of Jesus. To take your mind out of alpha and into beta by focusing on your heart. Then, feeling compassion, saying no to your mind running, and from there experiencing the peace and words of God in a space beyond time.
The prayer group I started last semester will hopefully continue into this one and adopt so much of what I learned.
Now the people this summer absolutely impacted me. My wonderful family brings me on adventures and gets to see the best and worst parts of me. They reveal to me my greatest weaknesses and humble me in a way that is so necessary.
Working as a waitress, that phrase that popped up in my head one night looking at the city lights last semester: “Christ written on my forehead” became increasingly important. I was lazy and unhappy in my last food service job; I found redemption in this one.
I saw the power of pushing through your initial impressions of people different from you. Try to see them and treat them how God would.
A couple of the closest people in my life were facing hard things. I felt in the middle of them.
For one of them, it felt like a hopeless situation for someone so disadvantaged at life. We feared the loss of faith and prayed that God would work it for His good. By the end of the summer a broken heart for the person, but God drawing closer than ever before. She felt Jesus lifting her feet up and telling her He is with her in her room, and Him whispering you are the best person; you only need me. That is God’s redemptive heart that has no limits in where and how He works.
For another, I have prayed endlessly for and received abundant hope for that. New Wine was the song God spoke over the situation, and New Wine was the song played and talked about at the very right moment.
“Make me Your vessel,
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all you have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me” -Hillsong Worship
I found redemption in some of my old friendships and was given incredible guidance by them.
I connected so deeply and made beautiful memories with people that I wasn’t close to before this summer. God showed me amazing testimonies and devotion in them that I was amazed by.
He brought me on a journey and reminded me, praying in the car, His amazing presence and secure love for me. That only from that place of knowing how unshakingly, abundantly God loves me will I live. He taught me to let go and trust Him in uncertainty, situations I can’t control or have a clear answer to.
“You gave me a new song
I’m letting go
..
I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushin in
And all the lies screamed inside go silent
…
And if I lived a thousand lifetimes
And wrote a song for every day
Still there would be no way to say
How you have loved me” –Steffany Gretzinger
I could go on and on, but some things I shouldn’t share with everyone, and this is already too long. I hope this is an encouragement to see and remember the meaning and lessons in every experience and moment. What an incredible thing it is to be alive and learning and human and loved.
